GANTT'S BLOG

Patience, Persistence and Balance... Oh My!

2012-02-20T17:18:00.000-08:00

patience
1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.

3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

persist

1. to continue steadfastly or firmly in some state, purpose, course of action, or the like, especially in spite of opposition, remonstrance, etc.: to persist in working for world peace; to persist in unpopular political activities.

2. to last or endure tenaciously: The legend of King Arthur has persisted for nearly fifteen centuries.

3. to be insistent in a statement, request, question, etc.

balance

1. a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.

2. something used to produce equilibrium; counterpoise.

3. mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.

4. a state of bodily equilibrium: He lost his balance and fell down the stairs.

SPOILER ALERT: I don't have the magic formula for this.

I don't, I wish I did, but sadly it's something I struggle with all the time. I recently had several conversations with actor and filmmaker friends on the subject and realized one of of us was talking the other off the ledge. Am I supposed to be patient and let go of the results or am I afraid of doing the next step to achieve my goals? And am I enjoying my life and the journey or just focussing on my career and not being present.

It reminds me of the John Lennon lyrics "Life is what happens to you. While you're busy making other plans."

I can look back over stressful situations and see how FEAR played a huge part of it. I worked myself up in a big batch of worry over an expected outcome or desired response. Most of these circumstances I had little or no control over the end result. But you could have fooled me by the way I was worrying about them. Was I being persistent enough? Did I do everything I could do? Should I send another email? Make another call, do another draft, rework the presentation deck, call my agent for feedback or just give it all up entirely and work at The Grove?

I'm in fear of not getting what I want. I mean that makes sense to want something so bad that you start to get a little FUCKING CRAZY right? Probably not. A friend said to me the other day, "In five months you won't even remember what you were all worked up about." He's right, I can spend a good week trying to figure out how a situation is going to pan out only to have it work out completely different than I had imagined and sometimes even BETTER! Two weeks later I can't even remember what I was stressing about when someone asks for an update.

After looking at the definitions of both patience and persistence - they seem dangerously similar. So for today, I'm giving up trying to figure out if I'm being patient or persistent and instead I've been working on being okay not knowing what the end result will be and trust that the results will be what they are meant to be.

Jonathan Fields posted an excerpt from his new book Uncertainty on his blog in September:

Genius always starts with a question, not an answer.

Eliminate the question and you eliminate the possibility of genius. However, that’s where things get really sticky.

For all but a rare few, “living in the question” hurts. It causes anxiety, fear, suffering, and pain. And people don’t like pain. Rather than lean into it, we do everything possible to snuff it out. Not because we have to, but because we can’t handle the discomfort that we assume “has to” go along with the quest.

Snuffing out uncertainty leads to a sea of prematurely terminated mediocre output, when “sweet mother of God” was just over the hump if only we’d had the will to embrace uncertainty, risk, and judgment and hang on a bit longer. If only we’d learned how to harness and ride rather than hunt and kill the butterflies that live in the gut of every person who strives to create something extraordinary from nothing.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: Self Reliance "Every man has his own vocation. The talent is the call. There is one direction in which all space is open to him. He has faculties silently inviting him thither to endless exertion. He is like a ship in a river; he runs against obstructions on every side but one; on that side all obstruction is taken away, and he sweeps serenely over a deepening channel into an infinite sea. This talent and this call depend on his organization, or the mode in which a general soul incarnates in him. He inclines to do something which is easy to him, and good when it is done, but which no other man can do. He has no rival. For the more truly he consults his own powers, the more difference will his work exhibit from the work of any other. When he is true and faithful, his ambition is exactly proportional to his powers. By doing his work he makes the need felt which only he can supply."

MY NAME IS MARK AND I'M AN... ACTOR

2011-08-02T18:39:00.000-07:00

When I first started acting, I felt like I did when I first got sober, I was ashamed and embarrassed to say that I was an ac... act... actor. Like the Fonz in Happy Days trying to say he was wr... wr... WRONG. God forbid someone would ask me what I'd been in or why I wasn't on TV like the other guy that looks just like me. Several years in acting class did not fix it. Doing plays, short films, even a scene in Ocean's 11 opposite Brad Pitt didn't fix it either. I still could not help but feel uncomfortable about saying I was an actor. What I've come to see now is, I'd been focusing on what I thought it meant to be an actor. I thought, to be able to say you're an actor, you had to be a "Successful Actor" -- meaning someone who made a living from their acting. My mentor, Milton Katselas, didn't bother with the psychology of the whole thing when I wanted to quit acting and just direct. He said to me, "You haven't given the acting thing a hundred percent. What you're not confronting in your acting will block you as a director. Do twenty scenes for me, I'll pick them out, and then you decide if you're done with acting." (You can read more on this in a previous blog, TO ACT... OR TO DIRECT... THAT WAS THE QUESTION) He knew that I couldn't think my way into confidence as an actor, I had to actually push past my shit and build the confidence.

I started out in the film business behind the camera. I've done everything professionally, except make-up, hair and wardrobe, but feel I could probably do pretty good in a pinch. What I ended up doing the most, was art department and props. When I first started acting, I would take six months off work and do acting classes, plays and short films. Then I'd run out of money and jump on a movie doing props for six months. That was hard to keep the momentum going and wasn't helping me to own the 'Actor' title. Because, at the time, I believed, to be able to say that I was an actor, I had to be, well, acting, full time, and not doing anything else. When I finally found the Beverly Hills Playhouse and started working with Milton, it was hard to justify taking off for six months to do props on a movie. Fortunately, a lot of the art directors and prop masters I had been working for, transitioned from movies into commercials. Commercials are sweet gigs, they're not as big a time commitment, from six months down to a week to two weeks. And as I look back at it, it was totally doable to do both BUT... I was still thinking, that to be an actor, I just needed to act and be willing to NOT do props anymore.

Somewhere around 2005, I stopped doing props on commercials or movies and tv and was going to just make money as an actor. I'd supplement my income with headshot photography and graphic design. Things that I could control schedule-wise. Key word here is 'supplement' which means I'd be making money as an actor. Well I didn't at first, or even second or later for that matter. Which is why I ended up doing The Bannen Way. But before I did Bannen, I was doing those freakin' scenes in class for Milton. He did a small workshop with some of the advance class students, I think there were a dozen from the two classes. He took people that had been in class for a long time, veterans, veterans who'd done good work, made progress, but still had not broken out or broken through. I was one of those students. On the first class he sat at the end of the stage and said that if he wanted to, he could go around the room and just point to a student and tell them what their issue was. And then he proceeded to do it to a couple people. Then he started to ask us what we thought was holding us back. He got to me and I just blurted out that I didn't feel like I was an actor. That I still didn't have the confidence. I'm sure there were tears that followed, it was a very intense day. He said that doing props, or being a stage manager for him, allowed me to hide, to be the 'second banana' he called it. He told me that I was a leading man, that I needed to own that. I thought "No shit, Sherlock... but what do I do?" Every scene I did for him, he demanded that I speak up, don't back down from my choices, to trust myself and encouraged me to be the fool. It was so fucking uncomfortable, but the REWARD was so worth it. I can now look someone in the eyes and say that I am in fact, an ACTOR.

I was talking to a friend the other day, and I was trying to describe to him that my 'discomfort' level, when I'm doing something towards my dream, goal or vision, is so much higher than when I'm not doing them, and instead, thinking small, living in fear and scarcity. I've always had the misconception that if I was doing what it was that I wanted to do in my life, like acting, writing or directing, that it would come easy and feel great all the time. But the irony is, it's the opposite. Since I'm a guy, who by my nature wants to AVOID any kind of discomfort or pain in my life (ie: addict) I'd rather not do things that make me feel uncomfortable. So what happens when I'm not following my dream or earning the necessary money I need to have a roof over my head and food on the table is, I am really uncomfortable. I'm so used to it, that now, that level of 'discomfort' is on, I'd say, a level 2, on a scale from 1 to 10. Most people that have more traditional careers and who aren't freelance like me, would, for sure, be at a level 10. But I'm used to it, and I can just chalk it up to the 'fate of my life' and feel sorry for myself. Where as, if I'm actually putting myself out there creatively, my discomfort is at a level 15. I'm more uncomfortable getting a call for an audition, working on the audition, auditioning, getting the callback, booking the job and then finally shooting the scenes. I'm more uncomfortable because I'm facing head-on, my own shit, my old tapes that have been keeping track of every effort I've made towards my dreams and clocked every single failure, negative comment or imperfect thing I've ever done, and tells me that I'm wasting my time and they're all going to find out that I'm a fraud. I read that every time Sean Penn finishes a movie he thinks it'll be his last one. That we'll finally figure out he doesn't know what he's doing. Sean Freakin' Penn... WTF???

So one day at a time, I try to be as uncomfortable as possible. I think this is where my true potential lies. I'm not talking about being a 'tortured artist' for tortured artist sake. I'm talking about pushing past my crap and creating great art and entertainment and being able to sleep at night by knowing I left it all on the table. That's the goal today, instead making success an academy award winning film or even my face on a billboard (how could I not link that?). Today I shoot for being successful if I'm doing something towards my vision, a call, an email, my diet, or creating another project... even if it's uncomfortable. That's what I strive to do.

My name's Mark... and I'm a grateful ACTOR.

I'm always curious to know how people conquer their fears and succeed. Let me know what you do.

Addendum
I've forgot to mention that eight months ago I started doing props on commercials again with my very talented art director and good friend Loren Lyons. We have a blast working together and I'm giving it a hundred percent when I'm there (most of the time...). The major shift for me was the willingness to earn income doing something other than my 'dream job' and trust that if I kept moving towards my goals, little by little, they'd actually come to be. The result has been amazing. Opportunities went away and others appeared. In the last eight months, I've booked six acting gigs (two national commercials), three directing gigs. taught three web series workshops, spoke on twelve panels, been nominated for two Rockie Awards, had a project optioned and have had more auditions for lead roles in pilots than I've ever had. So there you go... my best thinking was to not work so I could be available for auditions and meetings - then I was broke and stuck. It's amazing, a little faith and small doable goals have made my life much more fulfilled.

No REST... You're either moving FORWARD or sliding BACK

2011-02-03T09:30:00.000-08:00

As an actor, is it's easy to fall into the trap that you have to WAIT for a job. I mean, unless you're loaded, even a successful director, actor or producer has to have someone FUND their project. So actors aren't the only ones waiting to CREATE but it's easy to fall into apathy when the traditional method of booking work is less than fulfilling. As I've spoken about before (ad nauseam), Jesse Warren and I created The Bannen Way out of that frustration. We of course wanted it to be the biggest success as possible but tried to stay focused, knowing it was just the first of many projects for us and worst come to worst, we'd at least have a great calling card.. We are very pleased with the final product and the success of the show as well as all the doors that have opened because of it.

Last year was filled with great meetings with some of the top people in the industry. Pitching Bannen as a TV series amongst several other projects that we were developing separately. I had of course huge (and probably unrealistic) EXPECTATIONS for what Bannen would do for my acting career. I mean, hell, I was the LEAD in a feature film/web series opposite two Academy Award Nominees and an Emmy Award Winning actress... I won a Streamy Award for Best Actor and Best Drama... it was produced and distributed by Sony Pictures Television... it came out on DVD at Blockbuster and freakin' Target. But I've still struggled with TV and Film opportunities.

I've been approached by several web series creators over the last year, both as an actor and producer. There have been a lot of great projects but for one reason or other it wasn't the perfect fit for me or something that got me fired up. LoveMakers was one of those projects. Creator, Yuri Baranovsky (Break A Leg) had written a blog post about the success of The Bannen Way and his frustration with the fact that he wanted to have the 'break out series.' Thanks to Google alerts I found the post and we began a dialogue about the struggles and successes of being writer/producer/actors in the new media space. Shortly after he sent me an email about possibly shooting a teaser for a new show he had created and asked if I was interested. I read the pilot script and was floored. It was so good, very Aaron Sorkin and very smart. I was hooked. We shot for a few days up in San Francisco and a few pick up shoots here in LA. We really hit it off and now we are producing LoveMakers together with his Happy Little Guillotine Films.

I had the honor of hosting the NATPE Digital Luminary Awards in Miami last week and while I was there one of the things that really stood out for me was the new buzz word 'Branded Entertainment.' LoveMakers is a perfect fit for a Brand as well as a any Studio or Network. We've been getting great reactions and attention from the trailer and pitch site and feel like we've done everything we can do to SHOW people what the series will be like.

I firmly believe that shooting something and putting together a pitch site or deck may not get you a SALE but at least puts you in the best position for a buyer to actually write a check. I'm currently in post on a very funny web series pilot I'm producing called Bri Squared, created by my uber-talented girlfriend Brianne Davis and friend Briana Lane (both Bannen cast members), they wrote a song, shot a music video, cutting a trailer and did a publicity photo shoot. So we're doing everything that we can do on our end and having a blast doing it. They're not waiting around either, they can't, I can't.

All I can do is keep creating... what other choice do I have? Complaining is so... 2006.

To Act... Or To Direct... That was the question

2010-11-30T11:00:00.000-08:00

I've mentioned this in a couple different interviews but wanted to expand on it a bit in a new unit of time. I think it was mid 2005, I sat down with my mentor and teacher, Milton Katselas to discuss my decision to QUIT acting. I was very frustrated. I wasn't enjoying acting, the business mostly, but it affected my desire to improve my craft in class. So I was going to tell Milton that I wanted to quit acting and pursue directing. I sat across from him in his incredible house and pleaded my case, "I don't enjoy acting anymore. I love directing. I realize when I assist you Milton, I'm watching you as a director, seeing how you discover what the scene's about, work with the actors and tell a story. When I watch a movie, I'm thinking as a director, as a filmmaker, not as an actor studying their choices. I am a director!" I sat back in my chair, I felt good about what I just spewed. Sitting next to me, was Art Cohan, the Senior Stage Manager of the Beverly Hills Playhouse, Milton's right hand and one of my best friends. I looked over to him for reassurance as Milton began writing on his notepad in broad strokes. He wrote the words ACTOR and DIRECTOR and drew a line between them. He turned the pad to me and said, "You have to make a decision today, ACTOR or DIRECTOR... you can only do one... which?"


The Original Sheet from Milton

Without hesitation I pointed to DIRECTOR... "did he not just hear my case just now??" I was thinking. He turned the pad around and circled ACTOR and DIRECTOR and at the bottom wrote the word "BOTH". He turned it around one more time and showed it to me. He said, "YOU... can do BOTH. But you have to give a hundred percent to the acting or you'll never succeed as a director. You have to confront what's blocking you in your acting or it will block you as a director. You need the skills as an actor, you need to kill that and then you'll be able to do both... with success." Then he asked what scenes I was working on and he devised a game plan for me with lists of scenes to do, movies to watch, actors and directors to look at and study. He tore the page out of his notebook and handed it to me. I walked out completely pissed. I DID NOT WANT TO GIVE ACTING 100%... I just wanted to get on with my life and direct.

That week as I took this all in, I had what my friend Bailey Williams calls the "COME TO JESUS MOMENT". I was so tired of acting or better the REJECTION of acting and I lost the passion for it. Milton always would say that "Production is the basis of Morale." I really wanted to leave the school and take a break... aka... QUIT acting.

But my good friend Art Cohan called and checked in. He said; "Gantty, just do what he suggests and if at the end of it, you still hate acting, you've at least done everything you could." So I did just that... begrudgingly at first.

Fortunately for me, right after our meeting, Milton started a special class that consisted of veteran actors from the advance classes... and he did it for FREE. He wanted to help this group of twenty or so actors to get past that "thing" that was blocking them.

On the first day, he sat at the end of the stage and said he was tempted to point to each student and tell them what it was that was stopping them. He did it to three in a row... BAMM! He nailed them. Then he turned to a few others and asked them what they thought it was. He looked at me. "Mr. Gantt... what about you? What's your stop?" I think I stammered something about lacking confidence in my acting, that I feel like I'm not good enough. I'm sure I was crying at the end of whatever else I was saying. He just nodded his head and said something about me being a mensch, a hard worker and a "Nice Guy" and how it'd be great if I'd stop apologizing all the time and know that I was enough.

That Thursday morning class went on for I think four months. I worked my ass off in that class and in the night class and the Saturday Master Class that I was in at the same time. I did every scene for Milton. I pushed... HE pushed me past my comfort zone. I worked hard, took more risks and saw huge growth over the next year and a half that we worked together. It was in March of 2007 when I began working on The Bannen Way with Jesse Warren. I was starting to believe. I drank the Kool-Aid. I started to believe what Milton always saw in me, that I was a Leading Man who could trust that "I know what I know."

At the end of September, 2008, Jesse and I completed the first two Pilot episodes of The Bannen Way. I made a DVD and got the trailer and episodes to Milton. A couple days later in the Master Class, he turned around in his chair and said he'd seen the pilot and thought it was great. He joked it could use faster editing techniques but said that the acting and characters were great. He said he really liked it. After class I was walking to my car when Milton pulled up (which was completely unlike him, once he left, he left) and he said, "Did you get what I said in there? It's great! You're great in it! You're acting is really good and you've done a great job." I don't think I did hear it, the first time. But at 1:20pm, on a corner in Beverly Hills, leaning inside his window... I got it.

Milton passed away three weeks later. In between that conversation and him passing, he did a book signing for his amazing Acting Class book at the Skylight Bookstore. I was asked to shoot photos to document the event, as he walked in I took a photo of him smelling a white rose that the brilliant actress and long time BHP Student, Beth Grant had given to him.

Milton Katselas on 10.18.2008

Milton, you wouldn't let me slide, you held me accountable and for that, I am eternally grateful to you.

In the last two months I did BOTH... I ACTED and DIRECTED. And if I hadn't given the acting a hundred percent, I could not have been able to work with such talented actors as Eddie McClintock (Warehouse 13), Jaime Murray (Dexter) and Shannen Doherty (90210/Charmed).

Maestro... I love you my friend, thank you.

Cool article with Tony Goldwyn on acting and directing

Fear Sucks - Until You Go Through It!

2010-11-04T20:29:00.000-07:00

I know I need to do something when it scares the shit out of me. Wait... that's total bullshit. I only know that once I'm in it. In the beginning it usually starts with a thought like, "Hey, I want to do a workshop to help people get started on their own web series.' That thought is usually followed quickly by my wonderful critic who says, "why would anyone come to your workshop? there are so many panels and workshops already, why start another one? you're a piece of shit and don't know what you're talking about..." Those thoughts freaking suck. They paralyze me and make me want to curl up in bed and not do anything.

This last couple months have been filled with several of these moments, shaving to a mustache on THE TEMP LIFE:

Or deciding to do my Web Series Workshop in New York City on 10.10.10:

Or preparing my latest directing gig of the a new branded series by Creator/Executive Producer, Wilson Cleveland. Susan Miller wrote my episode and was incredibly lucky to be able to cast Eddie McClintock (Warehouse 13) and Jaime Murray (Dexter) in it. I was staring at a blank Excel doc for two days in fear, as I tried to think of my shot list. Until I just started to do it. Visualizing it in my head and then drawing, looking at photos etc.

So I found myself full of anxiety. Look it's not like I don't ever have it, but I've recently felt it a lot. My normal and PREFERRED mode is to be comfortable and safe, so being uncomfortable fucking sucks. At the end of it all, when I apply myself, push past the fear and just begin the task at hand I can accomplish anything. There's the "One Day at a Time" saying which really for most people is one moment, one minute, one second at a time. Being in the moment and not in the future is one of the hardest things for me to do.

If You Build It, He Will Come

2010-10-16T00:07:00.000-07:00

I guess it's usually misquoted, people usually say, "If you build it, they will come." But in Field Of Dreams, Kevin Costner's character hears "If you build it, HE will come." I guess, in a way, it actually works the way it was said originally. I'm realizing that I am a BRAND, a BUSINESS. I'm no longer just an actor with a 'B' job. I think as artists, it's hard to think of us as a business and well, to even think with a business mind. I just overheard a make-up artist on set say she'd never worked in an office. She said that the joke with her fellow Emory classmates is they're not good at math. "That's why I date Jewish men so they can figure out the tip." But what I heard was, that she's an artist, she doesn't do the 'business thing' it's not her strength. I also saw a tweet from Felicia Day today, mentioning digging up W-9's and getting credit reports and that the business stuff takes longer than the creative at times. I'm rambling a bit, there's a lot of stuff rolling around in my head lately.

One of my teachers, Richard Lawson talks about the misconception of an actor and as a character. He'd take two tapes (before digitally recording critiques at The Beverly Hills Playhouse) and hold them up. He'd say, "This is you as the actor, this is you as the character. They look identical, but they are different. You have to learn to let that character go. You created it, put it out there and now it's done." I took that literally and said, well my 'acting career' is that over there, disconnected from me, Mark, the person. They say that you aren't your career or your bank account etc. But I think it is a part of us. Richard is great at branding himself, he's now teaching workshops to empower actors to create their own projects and build their reels. I took the first two pilot courses and really dug it. It's grown and changed over the years.

So 'If you build it, they will come' - or 'he will come'... You have to build your brand. I think that there are people that are genius at it and others that would rather jump off a bridge than do it. I heard that when Robert De Niro was starting out, he'd go to meetings and do like three or four parts to show them what he could do. He hustled. He's a self-proclaimed private man who isn't the outgoing charismatic star like Clooney. He did it his way, he did what he was good at. I think Ashton Kutcher is brilliant at it. He has been very fortunate, apparently landing "That 70's Show" on one of his first auditions. But... he has worked his ass off since then. He's created his own shows, shows that HE likes and wants to make. He has jumped into the web world, the film world, politics. He's active, he was one of the first A-Listers on Twitter and still is. He knows how to brand himself. Felecia Day... I don't need to go into how brilliant she is at branding herself, we all know that, but it's worth mentioning. I respect her so much, she's creating projects for herself, engaging with her audience and fans and does it with such class and charm. Bravo!

A producer I was working with about four years ago had seen my website, at the time the front page had six images with text over them: actor, director, producer, photographer, designer and like contact. He said, "the problem with your site is that I don't want to know the guy I'm casting can shoot my kids Christmas photos for a hundred bucks." I changed my site within a month. Why? Who was this guy? A big time producer? No. He was just a guy with a point of view. It made sense. This business likes to 'see' people as being good at one thing. It makes it easier to hire. A director won't be threatened if he's an actor who's only an actor. Another friend mentioned just having a site for the actor, so for three years during our developing, shooting, editing and promoting Bannen, I had a shitty one page site up. "The cobbler's kids have no shoes" theory in place. As a multi-hyphenate I've struggled with what to do next, what project, what skill. It's freaking annoying. It's paralyzing too, cause I'm a perfectionist and want to do whatever I'm doing perfect and great. So for years I made lists of things I WANTED to do. And every year I'd look at it and be disappointed that I hadn't achieved my goals.

Starting and completing Bannen has been probably the single biggest and most influential goal I have accomplished that's for sure. So much time and energy went into it. I (not alone) pushed through so many personal and professional blocks along the way. I've seen things about myself that I'm not proud of (fear, anxiety, worry, resentment and... yeah fear again) and a whole bunch of things that I have gotten better at. One of which is being able to stand up and say, "I did this" and not apologize. To put myself out there and not try to hide behind it or to put myself down for all the things I didn't accomplish or do 'perfectly.' I've learned that I have something to give back, my experience and the tidbits of information that I have gleaned from this enormous undertaking.

So what is my BRAND... Screw it, I'm a multi-hyphenate. I'm a guy who enjoys doing a whole lot of creative things and when focused and committed, I can accomplish anything. I just need to trust that I'm enough and that I know what I know (as Milton Katselas would repeat and repeat).

And today, I know that I am very grateful for an amazing, talented and supportive girlfriend, great friends, family and collaborators who believe in me when I don't.

I guess when I say "If you build it, HE will come," I mean that the MAN I've always wanted to be shows up. I'm grateful to be truly, LIVING THE DREAM.

Former Sony Executive Michael Stradford suggested the title for the Bannen Behind The Scenes piece on me,"THE MAN." So there you have it, when Stradford says it... so it is.

So how's that CAREER going...

2010-09-14T19:24:00.000-07:00

I've been pondering this question lately... I sorta have to, it's in the title of my workshop... Create Your CAREER. Someone asked me the 'how is it going' question the other day. He wasn't talking about my girlfriend and I, or how I was feeling at the moment, no, he meant 'IT'... the ole' six letter word that most actors avoid talking about when they go home for the holidays. He wanted to know how it was going lately. "Did I see a difference in the auditions or 'offers' since The Bannen Way." I said I had, that the auditions went from nothing to a lot and ninety percent of them for the leads in pilots and quite a few offers on a few smaller projects. He was pleased but pointed out, that even though I did one of the more higher profile projects on the web, with studio backing etc, that it's "...still a struggle for you huh?" I left feeling a little down, like if Zeke (my right hand man in Bannen) cock punched me after I had a great day. Luckily (or unluckily) I had a good forty-five minute drive back on the 10 Freeway to go over my 'CAREER' in my head... and over... and over....

This is what I came up with: my career is just where it is. It's a lot better than it was three and a half years ago when the highlight in my life was fighting for space to rehearse at the Beverly Hills Playhouse. Yet not entirely where I want it to be. I have a feeling that there will always be some divine dissatisfaction to keep me moving forward. Then I was reminded of this, from my mentor Milton Katselas' book DREAMS INTO ACTION:

Chapter: THE FLIGHT OF THE HAWK

"Hear are a couple of beauties from the 1904 Webster's:

CAREER: Originally the course on which a race is run. A road, a racing course. In falconry, the flight of a hawk, about 120 yards.

Now, we also know a career is the occupation you choose and your life's work, but there are these other definitions, which can open up a deeper understanding of the word and hence a greater involvement in that whole sphere of life. Career is a life's work, a profession, an occupation, but also...

CAREER: To cause to rush freely and swiftly. Charge, flight, achievement, passage. A career was originally the ground for a race, especially for knights charged in tournament or battle. The way or route over which one passes. 

Here's another angle:

CAREER OF A HORSE: A short gallop or run at full or great speed. Via, a road for cars.

And finally:

When a ship is decked out in all her canvas, every sail swelled, and careering gaily over the curling waves, how gallant, how lofty she appears.

Isn't that wonderful? Now, how many of our journey are life a decked-out ship, careering over the curling swells? And how many are like a rock plummeting to the bottom of the deep, dark sea? Glub, Glub, Glub. That's the rock sinking to the bottom. There's no "careering over the waves" when the journey becomes such a serious and significant matter. Life becomes tight, heavy knotted, inflexible--a rock with no flight possible."

 Milton Katselas

So the great thing about life is, after studying with Milton for more than ten years before he passed in October of 2008, this passage from the book hits me, five minutes from home. Hits me like my bladder does when it senses the close proximity to my bathroom - and I'm reminded - my CAREER is more than a billboard on Sunset (or Sony Lot) or a cool job with my favorite director, it's those things but it's also my ATTITUDE towards the work I am doing and the work I have ahead of me.

I am so grateful to so many people in my life and a higher power I rarely understand and acknowledge, but it's in these moments, when shit is about to get real interesting... really fast... that I better be enjoying this journey and letting go of mine and everybody's expectations and have a little fun.

I'm curious how you get yourself out of bed, shake it off and move into the light...

At the office... On the lot

2009-03-31T14:59:00.001-07:00

Jesse and I went to our new offices on the Culver Studios lot yesterday. So great to have a place to create and produce. We are writing every day and very excited about the project and where the story is going. Bailey Williams has been great in this journey, shaking the tree, asking us tough questions, and making brilliant suggestions. Great to have a third set of eyes on this.
So bizarre to have things coming together and to fruition.

Congratulations. But I don't get it... who the fuck is going to watch a web series?

2009-02-17T10:28:00.000-08:00

This from someone who is pretty well versed in the "entertainment biz". They said, since they weren't in our targeted 18-35 male audience, they didn't get The Bannen Way and our concept for a slick, sexy, fast-paced web series. I tried, for about an hour, to explain the concept, my plan and the dream. No go, they got totally lost and by the end of the conversation were less than impressed with the whole venture and ended the conversation with a bewildered look and, "Why don't you just sell as a TV Series?"

That was about two months ago. They recently contacted me to discuss once again, how we sold the web series. They were now impressed and interested. One of their clients wants to do a web series and asked if I had any ideas or suggestions. I said, "I don't know, really a web series... is that really worth it? Why not just sell it as TV?" I then then let them pitch me the upside of doing it as a web series.

God, taking the piss out of people is definitely not overrated...

The Hottest Girlfriend Ever

2009-02-03T23:53:00.000-08:00

Just had to take a moment to 'pimp' my girlfriend out. If you know me, talked to me for any length of time, you know about my girlfriend Brianne Davis. That's because I so respect her as an artist. Not only is she the hottest girlfriend, but the most talented, funny, hardworking, determined and loving person I know. She is the love of my life. She supports and inspires me on a daily basis... or better yet, put's up with my insanity.

2009-02-03T13:28:00.000-08:00

This is a video I shot and edited towards the end of last year.

For anyone interested in a great work out, my boxing trainer, Paul Mayorquin is amazing. He teaches an hour class MWF at 7:30am and does privates. The gym is owned and run by legendary trainer Freddy Roach. You can check out the site: Wild Card Boxing Gym

2009-01-30T00:18:00.000-08:00

This was an advertisement on the wall at the corner of Sunset and Fairfax... not even sure what it's for now that I think of it. But I snapped a photo with my phone. It reminded me of a short film that I never finished. Going back to work on it now. Importing as we speak. The short is called THE RETURN, shot by Bailey Williams, my ridiculously talented friend and starring the incredibly talented actors, Tania Gonzalez and Michael Yavnieli. It was an experiment we did a few years back and it's time to finish this baby up. I'd like to have a rough cut this next couple of weeks. Probably more of a music video now or a silent piece with voice over. We'll see.

Purchase Limited Edition B & W Prints

2009-01-19T01:26:00.000-08:00

Purchase and view some of my photos